I think comedian Conan O’Brien got it right when he joked on The Tonight Show recently that Britney Spears being handed a lifetime achievement award, at the Teen Choice Awards last week, is proof enough that kids can never be entrusted to vote for president.

I’m paraphrasing of course, but the point made is definitely a sound one. You have to take into account the fact that, I’m relatively sure anyway, the teens didn’t actually vote on this award in particular, but, all the same, I’m sure they would have voted for Spears if they could have.

Now, I’m going to try my best and not make fun of Ms. Spears (at least any further), because that’s not really the point I’m trying to make. What is is that the TCA are a joke.

I’m sure a lot of you already know this or don’t even care, but, in either case, it needs to be said. The only purpose the TCA serve is to give actors of teen and kids movies some recognition. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they deserve any, but that they wouldn’t get it any other way except to give teens who don’t have any taste a forum to voice their opinions. It’s a sad truth; Well, it’s true, and it’s very much sad, at least.

Believe me, I’m all for free speech, and, generally speaking, I consider giving everyone a chance to express themselves to be of the utmost importance and a fundamental right not only in the Western World, but all over in this day and age (it should be anyway). But, when people expressing themselves means voting for the best “bromantic comedy” in film and the best “love song” in music (when every single song being released has to do with love in one way or another), it’s enough to make you gag. Do these awards even mean anything? Or are they just filler to make up the however many hours the show is contracted to be on the air with FOX? I can almost guarantee that anyone who wins an award would trade it for their album being ceritifed platinum in a heartbeat, because at least the latter means a bigger bottom line. A TCA means you get a surf board to show off to all your surfer buddies and get laughed at.

How easy is it to imagine that all the celebrities who go to the trouble of appearing at the TCA only do so because it’s polite, good publicity, and they don’t want to snub their legions of teen fans, on whom they’re largely dependant for their success? That was a rhetorical question, so please don’t answer it. I mean, you can if you want. Just don’t expect a response to any other answer than “incredibly easy.” So easy in fact that it would probably make Candy Land look like a world championship chess match against Deep Blue.

I don’t mean to say that celebrities are ungrateful for their fans. Although I’m sure some exist who are, I mean to say that I’m sure there are equally few celebrities out there who don’t see the TCA for what they really are… meaningless. If I were rich and famous and appearing in three movies this summer, I’d want to spend the night I had slotted for going to the TCA sleeping instead. One has to understand the hectic schedules these people live through day-in and day-out. To ask them to show up to a meaningless awards show, where the awards are voted on by people with questionable taste, is obviously not asking too much of them. But I’m sure it is a burden all the same, especially to fake a smile when you know they each have a pretty good idea ahead of time if they’re going to win or not anyway. That’s not because they’re told, but rather because any adult whose been following the entertainment world can pretty much predict how a teen will vote, based on the simple premise that teens generally vote for what’s new and what’s popular.

And with that as the perfect segue, social music community website Hitlab.com weeds out the quality from the sheer quantity of mediocrity out there. The site, through its proprietary Dynamic Hit Scoring (DHS) technology, is able to distinguish between what should be hits and what shouldn’t even chart the Billboard Hot 100 by analyzing a series of variables, such as tone and tempo, and comparing them to the chart-topping hits of the past six years. The users who get the highest rankings and most fan votes, get a chance to get signed by Akon. More of the site’s appeal lies in the fact that the site members are largely independent artists looking for their big break (save for Akon, Lady Gaga, and Saschali, who was signed to Kon Live Distribution after being discovered through the site), so, by registering today and logging on, you could conceivably be looking at the next big superstar to tackle the music industry. Say what you want, but that’s a pretty exciting concept for a purebred music lover.

For independent artists who are just itching to get discovered, few easier alternatives exist. If you want to get signed, you’ll get your chance to blow away the competition just by registering. Meanwhile, for music fans in general, Hitlab allows you to vote for the artists you want to see make it… plus you gain access to their music and can even download some of their tracks to help support them.

While Britney Spears may need help in one form or another, she is admittedly able to sell her albums on her own. This despite the strong argument that nothing she’s done since releasing … Baby One More Time (1999) has been particularly noteworthy, aside from her well-documented personal troubles. To say she’s wrothy of a lifetime achievement award is thus pretty laughable considering her reputation as a bad mother, well-deserved or not, has overshadowed her success as a recording artist by some margin.

And, yeah, I know I said I wouldn’t trash Brtiney Spears earlier, but, technically, I’m just stating facts. This post is still about that nuisance that is the TCA.

Keeping with Spears, though, she’s really only been in the spotlight of a decade, which amounts to a third of her life (No, I’m not counting her time on The Mickey Mouse Club), doesn’t it? Hardly a lifetime. Granted, for those 10 years, she’s been insanely famous and maybe the most famous person on the planet. Still, that means little, just as word the word “lifetime” apparently does in the award’s title. I’ve got little problem acknowledging her vast achievements in the music industry, as there’s no doubt she’s accomplished a lot. Then, just take the word “lifetime” out of the award. But, I guess, if you did that, you’d have to give out the award to all the more-deserving celebrities out there first, wouldn’t you?

As one suggestion, why not acknowledge Akon for all that he has done over the course of his career? He’s accomplished much more in my humble opinion in five years that Spears has done in double that time. So, I ask you, where is his surf board? Probably still in the shop.

Not that Akon was ever really in the running to win this so-called lifetime achievement award, but, assuming he had a chance, it marked the third time he got snubbed at the show. I mean, take the choice male artists category, for one example. The nominees were: Jason Mraz (who won), Lil Wayne, Ne-Yo, Kanye West,and Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em (apparently that’s his actual stage name, with the “Tell ‘Em” and everything). That’s the same Soulja Boy who once sang to “Superman that hoe”. So, while Akon’s lyrics oftentimes take a turn to the explicit, it’s not as if those did get a nod are wholesome, salt-of-the-earth type singers.

Meanwhile, the choice-rhythm-and-blues-artist nominations comprised: Beyoncé, Jennifer Hudson, Ne-Yo, Jamie Foxx (for real), and T-Pain. Where’s the love exactly? I can understand Beyoncé being nominated. T-Pain, maybe… I mean he is signed to Akon’s Konvict Muzik label. But every other name in there, over Akon? Really? I’d scream out for justice, but, as I’ve been trying to prove the length of the post, it’s just the TCA. Why bother caring, when it means so little in the grand scheme of things.

Peace out,
M.C.